So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
