sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
And the cops told us we were all naked.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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