i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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