I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF