lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
