The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
