I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Who died my cat blue again?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
