If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Someone shattered a urinal.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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