I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
