Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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