you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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