I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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