So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
