She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
