i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
