his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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