The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
