Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
