that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
