remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
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no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
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I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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