hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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