i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
