she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
time to smoke my breakfast
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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