I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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