pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
