how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
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you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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