i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
