Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
