The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
