it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
