You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Did I show you my penis last night?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
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