I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
