just come out here and I will go home with you...
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
