porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
