Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
