She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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