Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I deserve this hangover.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
