also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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