I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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