so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
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i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
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I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.