omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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