If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
