I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
