Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
