I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
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do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize