Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
