I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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