nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
