i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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