why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
