My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
