Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
