She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
