Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
